Женщина! Читай это! (Советы женщинам)

Дата: 2009-10-24 | Автор статьи: Николай Маншетов |
Категория: Любовь и дружба | Раздел: Прочее о любви и дружбе | Просмотров: 3839

красивая женщина Ты очень красивая, парни на улице с восхищениями смотрят на тебя, на твое лицо, твои глазки. Тушь для ресниц, которой ты пользуешься, очень дорогая и качественная. Твои губки, помада от «Максфактор» - последняя тема этого года, она так сексуально переливается на твоих губеночках, на твои шикарные волосы, которые ты долго укладываешь в салоне .Но дольше, все мужчины, и с большей внимательностью, смотрят на твою попу, так, что может больше посвящать ей времени?!

Чтобы у мужа было много денег, перестань у него их отбирать!

Не забывай поднимать стульчак после себя в туалете, а если забыла, то не ругай мужа, что стульчак мокрый, это ты после себя не подготавливаешь плацдарм.

Купи себе, в конце концов, маленькое косметическое зеркальце. Зеркала заднего вида у машин и двери в метро созданы не для того, чтоб ты поправляла свою прическу.

похудеть Если ты боишься поправиться, выпей перед едой 50г коньяка. Коньяк притупляет чувство страха.

Не стоит наедаться на ночь всякой фигней, а на утро на работе спрашивать у своих коллег: "Я же не толстая?"- все равно правду не скажут. Многие думают, что женщины садятся на диету, чтобы похудеть. Ничего подобного!!! Женщина садится на диету, чтобы:

1. рассказать всем, что она голодает и снискать, тем самым, славу мученицы.

2. убедить себя и окружающих, что она не виновата в своем лишнем весе.

Сразу предупреждаю, что сидеть на диете, все-таки, не так удобно, как на диване. Для начала надо выбрать подходящую диету. Чем короче диета и абсурднее обещания, тем лучше. Потерять 20кг за 3 дня без вреда для здоровья? Самое то! Ежу понятно, что такого просто не бывает. Но кто будет слушать голос разума, если очень хочется во что-то поверить?

Итак, диета выбрана. Теперь, при каждом удобном (и неудобном) случае всем рассказывай, как ты голодаешь. Отныне лицо твое должно выражать только печаль, а каждое движение сопровождаться тяжелым вздохом, чтобы все могли в полной мере оценить твою жертву. Мучай себя « по полной», тем больше в тебя влезет, когда ты, наконец-то, доберешься до холодильника (в поисках силы воли).

Не вздумай ходить в спортзал - достаточно того, что ты пьешь диетическую колу, и ешь диетические торты. Если ты, все-таки, позанималась на тренажерах или просто много двигалась днем, обязательно награди себя маленьким кусочком шоколада… и вафелькой… и небольшим печеньем… и еще чем-нибудь вкусненьким.

подсчет калорий Обязательно веди точный подсчет съеденных калорий. При этом, можно не учитывать: продукты, съеденные втихаря, пока никто не видел, пробы во время готовки (не более трех половников), а также то, что было съедено просто потому, что попалось на глаза.

Ну и самое главное - кульминационный момент. Ты похудела на 0,5кг? УРА!!! Долой диету!!! Отныне можно питаться только тортами, мороженым, чипсами и колой. Будь уверена - результат окажется на лицо (а также бедра, живот и ягодицы).

С диетой покончено, едем дальше.

Не стоит весь вечер строить глазки незнакомому мужику, сходить с ним потанцевать, принять от него подарок, поцеловаться с ним, посидеть на коленях, дать себя пощупать, а когда он скажет: "Поехали ко мне,"- ты ему в ответ: "Я что, тебе, проститутка какая то?!"

Чтобы избавиться от назойливого приставания на улице, на вопрос: "Что вы делаете сегодня вечером?", смело отвечай: "Мне к трем к венерологу, а потом я свободна". Всегда носи с собой презерватив. Представь, что ты зашла в лифт, и с тобой вместе зашел незнакомый мужчина, маниакальной внешности, а у тебя даже презерватива нет...

Если твой муж говорит, что ужин, который ты приготовила, был очень хороший, а на утро он не проснется, значит, ужин был не очень хороший... Если ты хочешь приготовить дрожжевое тесто, но у тебя нет дрожжей, то ни фига у тебя не получится. Обед покажется мужу намного вкуснее, если перед этим не кормить его 2 дня.

Когда ты приходишь в салон красоты и говоришь, чтоб тебе сделали прическу как у Софи Лорен, надо помнить, что такая прическа не очень подходит к лицу, как у Жанны Агузаровой…

Чтобы избавиться от вшей, нужно смешать кирпичную крошку и красный перец, после чего этим составом посыпать зараженное место. Принцип действия: вошь бежит, нечаянно вдыхает красный перец, чихает, бьется головой об кирпич и погибает.

Если твой муж после поцелуя с тобой жалуется, что у тебя плохо пахнет изо рта, поставь себе брекеты на зубы, теперь муж будет жаловаться на порезанный язык, а на твое плохое дыхание "забьет".

Если твои зубы кажутся тебе недостаточно белыми, стань перед зеркалом и натри лицо куском угля.

Кровная месть - это, когда ты убиваешь своего врага, а не когда в критические дни садишься на белое сиденье в машину твоего ненавистника.

При помощи ножниц и небольшого количества клея из одного памперса можно изготовить три обычные прокладки или две с крылышками.

четвероногий любимец Ты жалуешься, что в твоей квартире постоянный бардак, пахнет чем-то неприятным, по дому раскидана одежда, и кусочки пищи. Думай в следующий раз перед тем, как заводить добермана.

Если твой четвероногий любимец слегка пожевал твои новые туфли, то в качестве воспитательной меры заставь его съесть их до конца. Туфли-то все равно выбрасывать, а вот педагогический эффект трудно описать в нескольких словах!

хороший секс

Для хорошего секса не обязательно ездить в Турцию или Египет - вокруг тебя тоже много достойных…позвони мне…

Дата написания статьи: 2009-10-24

Автор статьи: Николай Маншетов

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Наверх

Добавить комментарий:

Дата: 2009-10-24
Елена Приходько:

Николай, слежу за вашими публикациями и не могу понять - откуда столько сарказма в отношении женщин?! Уже хотела Вам "мстить", но не получается писать гадости в адрес мужчин... Не потому, что вы такие хорошие, а потому, что ВСЕ МЫ РАЗНЫЕ!!! Почему в Ваших статьях так много ненависти к женщинам?! Поверьте "мужчин-стервецов" не меньше, чем стерв-женщин... И Ваше желание обобщать - это всего лишь признак озлобленности и неспособности объективно мыслить, что есть огромный мнус для мужчины. :)

Дата: 2009-10-25
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Дата: 2009-10-25
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Согласна с первым комментарием! Узко мыслите! Женоненавистничество - это явно детско-подростковая черта! Поздравляю - Вы застряли в том возрасте! Раскройте глаза! Если Вас окружают ТАКИЕ девушки и женщины, то может и Вы явно не герой-мужчина?? Подумайте об этом)))

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Ну или мне можно позвонить)) братка,статья охренительная,а насчет первого комментария,то просто девушка не хочет признать что у нее фигура тоже скорее всего не фонтан... Ниче страшного,зато скоро в " счастливы вместе " позовут сниматься,к гене в магазин за обувью покупательницы... А то,что за публикациями следите,девушка,это похвально,много умного,и познавательного вычитать можно

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